I've been home for about 40 minutes and all I've done is just cry.
Oh god I really am dreading September. It's all I can think about but I can't talk about it to anyone.
I really don't want to start a new course at college. So much I'm considering just getting a job at a daycare setting. I have the experience and the diploma so it'd be easy to get a job. But I don't want to become like every person working in this town.. absolutely no ambition. The thing is I just don't have the confidence to be able to do what I want. If I'm dreading doing a two year course at a college I've already studied at.. how the hell am I going to deal with moving to Derby to do a uni course there??
I don't know if this is just initial nerves.. but whatever.. I don't even remember feeling like this about the childcare course.. And I was younger and a hell of a lot more unconfident.
I just don't think it helps that my best friends are going to uni. To me it feels like I'll never see them again even though I know I will. =(
I keep forgetting about my friends like Michelle, Megan, Emily & Emma. I hung out with these girls way more than my best friends until we all left college. I had a feeling I'd drift away from Emily&Emma. But not so much with Megan.. Michelle is the one I've kept the most contact with.. but I have been friends with her since I was 9 years old..
This makes me inspired to make a hell of a lot of effort with the people I'll meet on my new course but from my induction day I'm a little worried. Yeah I know, you shouldn't judge people. But MOST of the girls looked stuck up their own arses.. But whatever, I'll see what it's like when I'm there.
God I just feel so low about myself too. It's times like this where I just wish I had that someone I know will be there for me and isn't going to leave me. I really need the comfort right now.
As much as I love my best friends, I really find it hard to open up to them. Sometimes I feel that people don't take your feelings very seriously.. like, they'll just tell you that you're worrying over nothing. Thats not what I want to hear.. I always feel 10 times better knowing that person UNDERSTANDS what you are feeling and can relate to it. Or atleast tries to. I don't even mind if they don't know what to say, aslong as they listen. I just hate it when people tell you that you're overreacting.. or change it to theirselves.
I also think I'm going to just get over BOY (Thats my subtle nickname ha). It just feels like everyone got my hopes up by saying how convinced they were that he likes me too. I haven't fallen for someone in so long but he just shows no signs of interest whatsoever. I texted him today saying that his clothes were washed&ironed (from where I had borrowed them) and he said ":-) Thank you. Call me when you guys are next out". If he liked me, surely he'd make the effort to just see me? Blahh. I told him I'll text him tomorrow saying what we're doing. But no one wants to hang out tomorrow.. And I'm irritated that I'm going to be stuck indoors allday again.
But yes back to my original subject.. I honestly think this guy is such a geniune person. I find him so amazing that it really intimidates me and I don't think someone that intelligent would want anything to do with someone so "average" like me. I think I need to get over him now before it hurts me more. He's another one going away in September. And I end up missing him a day after seeing him.
I just find it so hard because I don't think K realises how much I like him and how much it's bothering me. I always want to talk about it to her but she kind of shrugs off the conversation.
I've never had any luck with relationships ¬__¬
Right I'm going to stop typing before I end up depressing myself EVEN MORE.. or infact anyone who happens to read this.. which I doubt is anyone ha.